Master, please remove the stone. A painting of a man having a stone removed from his head. The stone is being removed by a sham doctor. If you are a sham doctor, then you have to achieve a balance. You can't get so big and successful that you'll get caught. If you convince people they have stones in their head, and if you convince them that you are good at removing them, then you can't get so good and so big that they realize that it's all a sham. If they realize that it's a sham, then you won't be able to be a sham doctor any longer.
But, you also don't want to be so small. If you are so small--if you are so slightly regarded as a sham doctor--then that means that you don't have enough patients. You don't have enough suckers who don't have stones in their heads but who think they have stones in their heads. If you don't have enough suckers to operate on, and if you're not getting their gold, then what that means is that honest work is more profitable than your sham.
It is sad when honest work is more profitable than your sham. There is one instance, though, in which it is okay for your sham to be less profitable than honest work. That one instance is if you love your sham. Sometimes, a sham is another person. Or it's an animal. Or it's a nice piece of clothing. Or it's a knife you don't have to sharpen too often. The knife holds and edge, but the knife gets rusty, so you have to oil it up often.
Master, take away the stone. My head has been shaved. I have my mouth open. Take away the stone, Master. Porfa. Take it away. Por favor. Porfa. Muak. Q tal. The sham doctor. Gold coins coming out of his ass and going down a hole. Trapped in a glass ball. The inside of the glass ball is oily and greasy and dirty, but I clean the outside of it. The outside of it is clean. It is oily and greasy because you are in the inside of it, shaming yourself.
Glen Baxter is an excellent cartoonist. His cartoons are funny. They are humorous. They are a sham off which he makes no profit. It is a sham that loses money, that loses profit.
Some would say that a sham that loses money is not a sham, but, of course, that is not true. It is simply a bad sham. Or it's a bad sham from someone's perspective, but not from the perspective of someone like Glen Baxter, who makes comics even though he stands to make no profit.
Like the successful scarecrow, he is outstanding in his field.
In one comic, he has this line:
"The insurance salesman moved in brandishing his policies."
"The insurance salesman" is the subject of this sentence.
"The" is the definite article. Or it is a determiner. It acts as an adjective in that it modifies "salesman."
"insurance" is an adjective here. It can also be a noun--like in this sentence: "I do not have health insurance."
"salesman" is a noun. It is a concrete noun, a count noun.
"moved in" is the main verb. In this verb, "in" is not a preposition. It is a particle that goes with the verb "to move." You can tell that a verb has a particle if you can replace that verb and particle with another noun. Here, one could replace "moved in" with "advanced."
"brandishing his policies" is a participle phrase that acts as an adjective. It modifies the subject of the sentence, "The insurance salesman." Really, to punctuate this sentence using Standard Edited English, Baxter should have put a comma in front of "brandishing."
"brandishing" is a participle. It is a verbal.
"his policies" is the direct object of the participle.
"his" is a determiner. It acts as an adjective.
"policies" is a noun. It is concrete and count.
Master, take away the stone. I have a sham, but I don't profit off it, so it's really a meditation. It's the mistake I can make forever, and no one gets hurt. Or everyone gets hurt, but in such a minute way.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
MY LATE SON
Dear Elfriede Jelinek,
It is my belief that love is inhuman. It is not a technology invented by humans--it's not even for humans--but it is one that humans use. Humans use the technology of audience. Audience is an older technology than love. It is a technology that humans use, even as they are huddled in a cave, their eyes cast down, as the phantasmagoria comes through.
When the phantasmagoria comes through, you need to be certain to keep your eyes down, Elfriede. If you put your eyes up, and if you see the phantasmagoria, then a few things must happen:
1. You die. Overwhelmingly, after all, the universe is not for humans.
2. You lose your eyes. You're left with two burnt out holes.
3. You join the phantasmagoria.
I have it that my grandfather joined it, Elfriede. He joined it young before he died. Then, he joined it late. My great grandfather joined it, too. And so did my tri-great grandfather. That's the man who Jesse James saw. He said my tri-great grandfather was "just some kid."
You have a book. It is Women as Lovers. This is its first sentence in translation:
"one day brigitte decided, that she wanted to be only woman, all woman for a guy, who was called heinz."
There is no better first sentence to anything, Elfriede. That is the first sentence. I'm not sure what it's like in the original, though. What is the original language? German?
Your first sentence.
"one day" acts as an adverbial. It tells us, the readers, when this is all happening. It's all happening "one day"--that is, a day in which I mistook a black dog for a crow in a field.
"one" is an adjective.
"day" is a noun.
"brigitte" is the subject of the sentence. It is a proper noun. It is the noun of a person named brigitte. In the book, this word is not capitalized, which is something that is non-standard. It is a marked way of doing things.
"decided" is the main verb. It is a transitive verb because it requires a direct object.
"that she wanted to be only woman" is the direct object of the transitive verb "decided." It is a noun clauses. (I am not sure why there is a comma before this direct object, this noun clause, Elfriede. Is that something that you did in the original German? Or is this something that Martin Chalmers, your translator, did? Have you met with Martin? Have you met him face-to-face, or has your only interaction with him been via some device?)
"that" is a little unnecessary piece. I'm not sure if it's called an expletive. If we were diagramming this sentence, then I'd put this "that" in the air and under a dotted line.
"she" is the subject of the noun clause that acts as the direct object. This word, "she," is a pronoun that casts back to "brigitte."
"wanted" is the verb of the noun clause. It looks to be a transitive verb because the verb "to want" is almost always transitive. After all, Elfriede, don't we normally want something. It would be abnormal just to want and want and want without wanting something. The more I write about the verb "to want," however, the more I feel that we're stupid to think it should have a direct object. We really don't know what we want. We never know what that something is.
"to be only woman" is the direct object of the verb "wanted," which is in past tense and which is the main verb of the noun clause.
"to be only woman" is an infinitive phrase that functions as a noun.
"to be" is the infinitive. It is the "to be" verb and is not conjugated. The "to be" verb requires a complement.
"only woman" is the subject complement--the predicate nominative--that goes at the end of the "to be" infinitive.
"only" is what here? It's in front of a noun, so is it an adjective? I usually think of "only" as an adverb, though.
"woman" is a noun. It's what brigitte wants to be. I would like her to be that, but I wouldn't want her to worry about it. Or if she did not want to be a woman, then she shouldn't be a woman. Or he shouldn't want to be a woman. Or they should not want to be a woman. It's not always best to want to be a noun. A noun goes only so far. A noun never goes far enough, Elfriede. That's one thing that no one knows on this planet. I might be the only one, and now I've told you. (Don't worry; you don't have to gift me you Nobel Prize.)
"all woman for a guy" looks to be--in my addled mind--an appositive. Doesn't it modify the preceding noun, "woman"? I am no authority on the English language, Elfriede.
"all" is an adjective, I think. Again, it's in front of a noun.
"woman" is a noun. Back to those nouns that never add up, that never go far enough.
"for a guy" is a prepositional phrase that modifies "woman." It modifies the woman that's closest to it--the "woman" that's in the prepositional phrase, not the "woman" that's in the infinitive phrase. Many women. They are all different, even though they are the same word. There is no such thing as a synonym, even when it's a repeated word word.
"for" is the preposition.
"a" is the indefinite article.
"guy" is a noun. A real fucker.
"who was called heinz" is a relative clause--an adjective clause--that modifies "guy."
"who" is the subject of the clause. It is a relative pronoun. It is the subject of a passive clause--a passive construction. The "who" is not passive, but whoever is calling him heinz is.
"was called" is the main verb of the relative clause. It is in a passive construction because we have the past tense form of the "to be" verb followed by the past participle. A dead giveaway. A dead give.
"heinz" is a proper noun--like brigitte.
It is my belief that love is inhuman. It is not a technology invented by humans--it's not even for humans--but it is one that humans use. Humans use the technology of audience. Audience is an older technology than love. It is a technology that humans use, even as they are huddled in a cave, their eyes cast down, as the phantasmagoria comes through.
When the phantasmagoria comes through, you need to be certain to keep your eyes down, Elfriede. If you put your eyes up, and if you see the phantasmagoria, then a few things must happen:
1. You die. Overwhelmingly, after all, the universe is not for humans.
2. You lose your eyes. You're left with two burnt out holes.
3. You join the phantasmagoria.
I have it that my grandfather joined it, Elfriede. He joined it young before he died. Then, he joined it late. My great grandfather joined it, too. And so did my tri-great grandfather. That's the man who Jesse James saw. He said my tri-great grandfather was "just some kid."
You have a book. It is Women as Lovers. This is its first sentence in translation:
"one day brigitte decided, that she wanted to be only woman, all woman for a guy, who was called heinz."
There is no better first sentence to anything, Elfriede. That is the first sentence. I'm not sure what it's like in the original, though. What is the original language? German?
Your first sentence.
"one day" acts as an adverbial. It tells us, the readers, when this is all happening. It's all happening "one day"--that is, a day in which I mistook a black dog for a crow in a field.
"one" is an adjective.
"day" is a noun.
"brigitte" is the subject of the sentence. It is a proper noun. It is the noun of a person named brigitte. In the book, this word is not capitalized, which is something that is non-standard. It is a marked way of doing things.
"decided" is the main verb. It is a transitive verb because it requires a direct object.
"that she wanted to be only woman" is the direct object of the transitive verb "decided." It is a noun clauses. (I am not sure why there is a comma before this direct object, this noun clause, Elfriede. Is that something that you did in the original German? Or is this something that Martin Chalmers, your translator, did? Have you met with Martin? Have you met him face-to-face, or has your only interaction with him been via some device?)
"that" is a little unnecessary piece. I'm not sure if it's called an expletive. If we were diagramming this sentence, then I'd put this "that" in the air and under a dotted line.
"she" is the subject of the noun clause that acts as the direct object. This word, "she," is a pronoun that casts back to "brigitte."
"wanted" is the verb of the noun clause. It looks to be a transitive verb because the verb "to want" is almost always transitive. After all, Elfriede, don't we normally want something. It would be abnormal just to want and want and want without wanting something. The more I write about the verb "to want," however, the more I feel that we're stupid to think it should have a direct object. We really don't know what we want. We never know what that something is.
"to be only woman" is the direct object of the verb "wanted," which is in past tense and which is the main verb of the noun clause.
"to be only woman" is an infinitive phrase that functions as a noun.
"to be" is the infinitive. It is the "to be" verb and is not conjugated. The "to be" verb requires a complement.
"only woman" is the subject complement--the predicate nominative--that goes at the end of the "to be" infinitive.
"only" is what here? It's in front of a noun, so is it an adjective? I usually think of "only" as an adverb, though.
"woman" is a noun. It's what brigitte wants to be. I would like her to be that, but I wouldn't want her to worry about it. Or if she did not want to be a woman, then she shouldn't be a woman. Or he shouldn't want to be a woman. Or they should not want to be a woman. It's not always best to want to be a noun. A noun goes only so far. A noun never goes far enough, Elfriede. That's one thing that no one knows on this planet. I might be the only one, and now I've told you. (Don't worry; you don't have to gift me you Nobel Prize.)
"all woman for a guy" looks to be--in my addled mind--an appositive. Doesn't it modify the preceding noun, "woman"? I am no authority on the English language, Elfriede.
"all" is an adjective, I think. Again, it's in front of a noun.
"woman" is a noun. Back to those nouns that never add up, that never go far enough.
"for a guy" is a prepositional phrase that modifies "woman." It modifies the woman that's closest to it--the "woman" that's in the prepositional phrase, not the "woman" that's in the infinitive phrase. Many women. They are all different, even though they are the same word. There is no such thing as a synonym, even when it's a repeated word word.
"for" is the preposition.
"a" is the indefinite article.
"guy" is a noun. A real fucker.
"who was called heinz" is a relative clause--an adjective clause--that modifies "guy."
"who" is the subject of the clause. It is a relative pronoun. It is the subject of a passive clause--a passive construction. The "who" is not passive, but whoever is calling him heinz is.
"was called" is the main verb of the relative clause. It is in a passive construction because we have the past tense form of the "to be" verb followed by the past participle. A dead giveaway. A dead give.
"heinz" is a proper noun--like brigitte.
5 MWE: Treat me nice.
wrists
panels
loomed
solemnly
push
eyes
We did not want to kill the lambs ourselves. We used to kill the lambs ourselves, but we no longer did that. By "that," we meant killing lambs. Little creatures. They make no noise as you kill them. Something in the Bible about that. It was some kind of punishment, probably. You can be certain of that because you are in a tree. You went to find some mushrooms with your aunt as we sat around the table, drinking bathtub beer and basement whiskey, talking about how we should no longer kill the lambs. You came back with your aunt. She claimed to know how to identify mushrooms, but the last time we ate what she got, we all got sick. She had us eat things she called Puff Balls and Turkey Tails, and they made us sick. They killed animals.
Drinking that whiskey and that beer, we decided to kill the lambs no more. It's just some rain. Just a little bit of rain. It won't tear you up. It will tear you up. It will tear you up as five lions would tear your up. At the zoo, most of the animals had come from houses raided on drug raids raided on drug raids with the drug raid foremost in our mind because it took place in a house that was mostly submerged in water. The odd thing was that the second floor was nearly completely submerged. The third floor was the complete definition of the word submerged. But the ground floor was dry.
She made a mask out of skull pieces and ash wood. Some inlaid brass bits from rifle cartridges.
First, we immobilized her wrists. We kept them still for over a month. It prevented her from putting spin and curve on the balls she threw. It prevented her from schooling dupes at pool. We next immobilized her eyes. Her eyes still worked, but they could not move in her skull. She claimed to see more than she had ever seen.
There were cloistered nuns behind the panels in the walls. The nuns made little yellow cookies. If you whispered for a cookie in a room, then they'd slip you one through a slot. A slot in a panel. Yellow cookies that were too sweet or not sweet enough. You never saw the nuns. The rumor was that if you rubbed your naked self against the oldest door in the city, then you'd free all the nuns. The nuns were cloistered. It was their elective. They wanted to be there. But if you rubbed yourself against the door, they'd change their minds and want out. They'd start pounding, and you'd have to get the tools to pry them out.
We could not kill the lamb, so we hired two men to do it. We hired two children. Two soldiers. A pair of lovers. We hired two old men. One old man was a fogey. He was cranky. The other old man was the dirty old man. He was not a dirty one. He was the dirty one. The proto. We hired the two old men to kill the lamb. We let two dogs go at the lamb. Two lions that we freed from a drug-raided house. We did not want to kill the lamb, so we had to find some person or entity to do it for us. We had to find the fatalism that would end with a dead lamb. We did not want the lamb dead because we were sick. We wanted it dead for money. The restaurant would give us some money. They'd give us a moment and a drink.
She woke up with a rock in her mouth. She was not certain how it got there. Last night, she had gone to bed with a rascal. Did she do that? She considered herself a nymph of the forest, even though she was not. There were small purple flowers that she found and ate. She ate yellow ones. She ate mushrooms that made her sick. She wanted to be sick. She wanted to be sick and to be sick. It was important to her to be sick at the base of trees. By being sick at the base of a tree, she was not nourishing it nor herself. Even though she vomited at the base of trees, though, she did not die and the tree did not die. It was proof that you could hurt yourself over and over and not die. That contradicted lots of advice.
People came through with four-wheelers and rifles. The soldiers, when walking near mines, preferred to take their helmets off their heads and cover their crotches. That was what they preferred. The two lovers met in the dry concrete canal. The lovers agreed to no longer be lovers. They spat on each other. They took off their swimsuits and rubbed asses in the ocean. They picked at one another's faces. They were supposed to take care of a baby, but they argued in front of the baby. The baby stood on the couch. It was not crying. They argued in front of it. They threw each other around, and the baby fell off the couch. We are the police. We are here because your neighbors called us. We would like to talk to the man first and then to you.
A rabbit is the best way to remove wax out of carpet. It could be purple wax and a rabbit that appears to be the color periwinkle.
panels
loomed
solemnly
push
eyes
We did not want to kill the lambs ourselves. We used to kill the lambs ourselves, but we no longer did that. By "that," we meant killing lambs. Little creatures. They make no noise as you kill them. Something in the Bible about that. It was some kind of punishment, probably. You can be certain of that because you are in a tree. You went to find some mushrooms with your aunt as we sat around the table, drinking bathtub beer and basement whiskey, talking about how we should no longer kill the lambs. You came back with your aunt. She claimed to know how to identify mushrooms, but the last time we ate what she got, we all got sick. She had us eat things she called Puff Balls and Turkey Tails, and they made us sick. They killed animals.
Drinking that whiskey and that beer, we decided to kill the lambs no more. It's just some rain. Just a little bit of rain. It won't tear you up. It will tear you up. It will tear you up as five lions would tear your up. At the zoo, most of the animals had come from houses raided on drug raids raided on drug raids with the drug raid foremost in our mind because it took place in a house that was mostly submerged in water. The odd thing was that the second floor was nearly completely submerged. The third floor was the complete definition of the word submerged. But the ground floor was dry.
She made a mask out of skull pieces and ash wood. Some inlaid brass bits from rifle cartridges.
First, we immobilized her wrists. We kept them still for over a month. It prevented her from putting spin and curve on the balls she threw. It prevented her from schooling dupes at pool. We next immobilized her eyes. Her eyes still worked, but they could not move in her skull. She claimed to see more than she had ever seen.
There were cloistered nuns behind the panels in the walls. The nuns made little yellow cookies. If you whispered for a cookie in a room, then they'd slip you one through a slot. A slot in a panel. Yellow cookies that were too sweet or not sweet enough. You never saw the nuns. The rumor was that if you rubbed your naked self against the oldest door in the city, then you'd free all the nuns. The nuns were cloistered. It was their elective. They wanted to be there. But if you rubbed yourself against the door, they'd change their minds and want out. They'd start pounding, and you'd have to get the tools to pry them out.
We could not kill the lamb, so we hired two men to do it. We hired two children. Two soldiers. A pair of lovers. We hired two old men. One old man was a fogey. He was cranky. The other old man was the dirty old man. He was not a dirty one. He was the dirty one. The proto. We hired the two old men to kill the lamb. We let two dogs go at the lamb. Two lions that we freed from a drug-raided house. We did not want to kill the lamb, so we had to find some person or entity to do it for us. We had to find the fatalism that would end with a dead lamb. We did not want the lamb dead because we were sick. We wanted it dead for money. The restaurant would give us some money. They'd give us a moment and a drink.
She woke up with a rock in her mouth. She was not certain how it got there. Last night, she had gone to bed with a rascal. Did she do that? She considered herself a nymph of the forest, even though she was not. There were small purple flowers that she found and ate. She ate yellow ones. She ate mushrooms that made her sick. She wanted to be sick. She wanted to be sick and to be sick. It was important to her to be sick at the base of trees. By being sick at the base of a tree, she was not nourishing it nor herself. Even though she vomited at the base of trees, though, she did not die and the tree did not die. It was proof that you could hurt yourself over and over and not die. That contradicted lots of advice.
People came through with four-wheelers and rifles. The soldiers, when walking near mines, preferred to take their helmets off their heads and cover their crotches. That was what they preferred. The two lovers met in the dry concrete canal. The lovers agreed to no longer be lovers. They spat on each other. They took off their swimsuits and rubbed asses in the ocean. They picked at one another's faces. They were supposed to take care of a baby, but they argued in front of the baby. The baby stood on the couch. It was not crying. They argued in front of it. They threw each other around, and the baby fell off the couch. We are the police. We are here because your neighbors called us. We would like to talk to the man first and then to you.
A rabbit is the best way to remove wax out of carpet. It could be purple wax and a rabbit that appears to be the color periwinkle.
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